Two donuts and sex with the ex

I know, I know, I haven’t posted in a while. I have been processing…

Last week was a very unusual and eventful week for me. I received some traumatic news around mid-week (which I am not at liberty to speak of here as it is not my news; however, it affects me greatly (indirectly) because someone I love and care for dearly is affected in an even greater way.) This is what happened last Wednesday:

1. I didn’t have a good day at work.
2. I received an email which contained some traumatic news.
3. I cried at work.
4. I texted my ex boyfriend and told him the traumatic news.
5. My ex then phoned me to inquire about my feelings.
6. I cried at work some more (a couple of people had obviously seen me, however I told them I was fine and didn’t want to talk about anything. I’m sure they thought I was upset because of my bad work day).
7. I went to the office where I was told that my walking partner was unable to walk with me that afternoon.
8. I went to my car.
9. I called my ex and asked if I could come over for a bit (he said yes).
10. I called him back and asked if he wanted me to bring anything with me (he requested a latte from a local coffee shop).
11. I went through the drive thru, ordered a latte for him, a medium coffee with two cream for me, and two donuts.
12. In the time it took me to drive from the drive-thru to the ex’s place (less than a five-minute drive), I had eaten the two donuts.
13. Got to the ex’s place. Hugged, cried, drank some coffee, crawled into bed, had sex, cried more, eventually left and went about the rest of my evening as best I could while I awaited contact from the person who had told me the traumatic news.

Yes. Two donuts and sex with the ex. Really, Grace?! Yes. Really.

If nothing else, my ex and I always had great sex, so I’m not too upset with myself about that (and yes, we’re still ex’s, and no, we’re not getting back together).

 The donuts, though, well they were a different story.

So when I went to my nutritionist of course I told her about my Wednesday—I bawled (literally) in her office. My crying was because of two things: 1) I was obviously still processing the traumatic news, and 2) I was so very frustrated with myself for instantly seeking out some of my ‘old’ comforts when ‘dealing’ with a traumatic event.

This is why I love my nutritionist (who is also a personal trainer and clearly, now, a ‘counselor’). She wasn’t upset or angry with me, nor was she even disappointed with me… she helped me gain perspective.

As she pointed out, I have been with her for three months, and despite the struggles I have with food, for the most part I am doing a good job with what and how I am eating. What happened on Wednesday was such an exceptional experience that it isn’t completely unusual for me to seek out that which comforts me.

I told my nutritionist that when ordering and subsequently eating the donuts I didn’t even really think about it—I didn’t think “oh, this is not a part of my lifestyle change and I shouldn’t eat them” and then ate them anyway. My nutritionist said that, of course, I should try to avoid eating donuts (she and I both feel that had I gone for my walk instead of calling my ex I probably would have), however, she feels it isn’t all bad that I was unaware of what I was doing. She thinks that had I struggled with ‘to eat or not to eat’ and not listened to my inner voice but instead chose to buy and eat the donuts it would have been worse. But on Wednesday, I didn’t have an inner voice… which is the first time in three months since starting my lifestyle journey… I didn’t have an inner voice because I was consumed with the news of the traumatic event (a rarity) rather than focusing on myself.

She’s right. She’s always right.

Here it is, almost a week later. I don’t regret eating the donuts. Nor do I regret having sex with my ex. In the scheme of things, those are trivial, really. What happened has happened, and well, sex and donuts are how I deal with trauma.

Today and every day, I count my blessings and am thankful for everything and everyone that I am surrounded by (both near and far), including a special angel who will forever be a part of my life. I love you Malak.